


Harassment

by Aina_Riddle



Category: Transformers (Bay Movies)
Genre: Allspark Sam Witwicky, Alternate Universe - Crack, Bets & Wagers, Chatting & Messaging, Frustrated Megatron, Humor, In more ways than one, Innuendo, M/M, Multi, Other, Sam's a little shit, Sarcastic Sam Witwicky, Sexual Humor, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:01:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28251312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aina_Riddle/pseuds/Aina_Riddle
Summary: The first two chapters of this are a repost from my file on fanfiction.net and were written back in 2009 with the help of Marmee Noir. We've fallen out of contact, unfortunately, since then so from the third chapter onward it'll just be written by me.Summary: Megatron decided to harass Sam through IM's, he didn't expect for Sam to harass back. Pure humor with, maybe, a dash of plot. There will be oocness as I doubt Megatron would actually do this. Slash warning. Ignores all movies and comics after RotF.
Relationships: Bumblebee/Sam Witwicky
Comments: 8
Kudos: 39





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As stated in the summary, this is a repost from fanfiction.net from 2009. I am aware that this is not very much like IM chats now (or then, I did not use online chatrooms very much), but I'm old lol. So, I'm gonna stick with the same format. This story is being updated again, so this won't just be the first two original chapters and nothing more.

Samuel James Witwicky was having a very good day. He had managed to get an A in Astronomy 102 despite the professor’s reluctance to give him the grade he deserved. He did deserve it though, because he had the textbook memorized thanks to the allspark. Alien technology was wonderful for getting perfect grades, especially since the side-effect of being all-knowing didn’t wear off. Running his hand over Bee’s steering wheel in goodbye, he walked into his house (which he was staying at for the summer) and up to his room. He sat down at his desk, turned on his laptop, and got ready to start IMing Mikaela before he noticed he had some messages waiting.

**BBM** : ‘I’m coming to make you my pet, boy.’

**BBM** : ‘That, or I’ll strip the flesh from your bones, depends on how we meet up again.’

**BBM** : ‘…’

**BBM** : ‘How have you fleshlings managed to survive this long? You smash so easily.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Who are you? Wait…pet, stripping flesh, fleshlings, and smashing…Megatron?!’

Sam didn’t know why he had even bothered replying. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to bother keeping up the appearance that he /wasn’t/ dating his car by messaging Mikaela? She had dumped him, so he had gotten with Bumblebee. His parents didn’t care as long as he was protected and not distracted from school. Plus, this was entertainment.

**BBM** : ‘Yes.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘You’re not going to deny it?’

**BBM** : ‘I prefer the direct approach. Take getting past puny humans, I don’t bother avoiding them; they move or they get squashed.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Ouch.’

**BBM** : 'Have you ever had a human shove an incredible power into your chest so you would be overwhelmed and die? If not I can show you, I have claws and you have a heart I can rip out.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Incredible power?'

**BBM** : 'The allspark, I /hate/ that word right now. You forced me to commit patricide!'

**Ladiesman217** : ‘You wanted to force your mommy/daddy to make the world submit to you; couldn’t do it on your own?’

**BBM** : ‘I did that to smite it for creating the autobots. No other reason.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Whatever you say, Momma’s boy’

**BBM** : ‘It is surprisingly easy to pull off strips of a human’s skin and choke them with the pieces. You want me to show you?’

**Ladiesman217** : 'No… I'm bored...'

**BBM** : 'I can make you a wanted criminal again. I'm sure running from mobs would be fun. I could even send Starscream to join the chase; he's getting annoying and I can't kill him yet.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Who decided to give him the name Stars Cream?'

**BBM** : 'I was bored and needed some humor.'

**BBM** : 'He /still/ wonders why we all laugh when we hear his name.

**Ladiesman217** : 'If you keep harassing me I'm going to tell Optimus on you.'

**BBM** : 'Like I'm afraid of that fragging pile of scrap metal? I killed him once, I can do it again.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Would you mind taking Wheelie back?'

**BBM** : 'No, he kept humping my leg.'

**BBM** : 'Useless. Didn't even know how to initiate a sparking like a proper Cybertronian. Acting like you filthy fleshbags...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You're just jealous cause you're not getting any'

**BBM** : 'That’s only because I refuse to spark-bond myself with a weakling. You fleshbags reproduce like that annoying furry creature that hops everywhere. We have rules.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Rules?'

**BBM** : 'Don't mate like humans.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Oh...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Sooo, does that mean you're still jealous? I'm sure there's a robot out there for you. I mean, there's--'

**BBM** : 'If you suggest that aft Optimus, I will skin you alive and use your hide for a new carpet.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You were the one who thought of Optimus the minute I mentioned a robot for you'

**Ladiesman217** : 'what does that tell you?'

**BBM** : 'He's the only one with power to match mine, that's all.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'So you admit he's your equal?'

**BBM** : 'No'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Suuure. Whatever makes you recharge at night'

**BBM** : 'I shall send Wheelie's twin to you. Have fun.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Asshole, still say you're jealous.'

BBM HAS PLACED LADIESMAN217 ON IGNORE

**Ladiesman217** : 'Now there is a crater in my room and a robot humping my dog. You're sadistic, you know that?'

**Ladieman217** : 'Damnit! I am going to rant at you when you come back!'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'What is wrong Sam? I am sensing that your room has sustained damage.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Nothing Bee, Megatron is just a jealous asshole who won't admit Optimus is better than him.'

**OnlyBee4U** : '...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'He suffers from sexual frustration.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Sexual frustration?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'He hasn't had a sparking.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Understandable, he is an evil, wannabe overlord after all.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Do you think Optimus feels lonely, being Prime and all?'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Yes, but to him duty comes first.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'His duty to himself is to have a sparking with Megatron, then this war would end and he would get laid. It all works out.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'I do not think Optimus would agree with that...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'He's just too shy to admit it.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'He is the leader of the Autobots, he is not shy.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Sure, whatever you say Bee.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Why do you wish for Optimus and Megatron to become spark-mates?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Megatron won't stop harassing me until he gets rid of that frustration.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'The sexual frustration?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Yes.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Oh, I will talk with Optimus.'

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘He had a system failure. Reboot is necessary. I will inform him again when he comes online.’

**BBM** : 'I have been reading your conversation. I am not impressed.'

**BBM** : 'Optimus had a system failure? Perhaps I should bring this up in our next battle, good diversion.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You just don't want to admit that the idea intrigues you'

**Ladiesman217** : 'So you can jump his metal bones when he's down? Don't flirt during battle'

**BBM** : 'Jump his bones? yes, and smash them, and tear them...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'No, I meant jump his bones and start sparking away.'

**BBM** : 'Optimus being submissive? The aft brained fool is too stubborn for that...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'So you admit you will /attempt/ to jump his bones and spark him till he's spent? Then again, this /might/ be considered incest. You were all created by the same object…'

**BBM** : 'Incest?? (checking Internet) ... something amoral, forbidden, considered evil? That does have a certain attraction to it'

**Ladiesman217** : 'So you will do it?'

**BBM** : 'No. I'm supposed to be the one harassing you, correct?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'No, we're playing role reversal. So now you can get more time with Optimus by saving the world from me.'

**BBM** : ‘Like your puny muscles (both brain and physical) would last long against even one of our hands.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Will the other hands be busy messing with each other’s sparks?’

**BBM** : ‘No!’

**Ladiesman217** : 'Don't bite my head off. I'm just trying to be helpful here. All that stress can't be good for your circuits.'

**BBM** : 'My circuits are fine. I have taken Starscream’s and switched them with mine.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'So now you're Starscream in Megatron's body?'

**BBM** : 'No, I still have the same spark, which will /never/ merge with Optimus'.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Hey, you brought it up again. I knew you were into him!'

**Ladiesman217** : ‘You’re just in denial’

**BBM** : 'I am not in denial'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You are IMing me from Egypt, right? So you are in de-Nile'

**BBM** : 'I really hate you right now.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You mean there was a time when you didn't?'

**BBM** : 'No.'

**BBM** : 'However, yes, I am in Egypt, the internet doesn't reach Cybertron.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You just wanted to be closer to Optimus'

**Ladiesman217** : 'That’s a good reason why you shouldn't destroy our planet and instead get your spark on with Optimus.'

**BBM** : 'Not this again!'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'Sam, why are you communicating with Megatron?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'I want him to spark with you.'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : '...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Did you have another system failure?'

**BBM** : 'What is up with that name, Prime? Think you're better than us?'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'Brother, what are your intentions?'

**BBM** : 'Don't try to distract me from my question'

**Ladiesman217** : 'He wants to spark with you'

**BBM** : 'I do not! I just wanted to harass him and threaten him with torture, but he keeps bringing this up! I think the allspark fried his circuits.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'I thought you hated that word?'

**BBM** : 'Not when it explains how the idea of me sparking with Optimus got in your head. You have to be crazy to think that.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'But you're crazy, so you should think that sparking Optimus is a good idea.'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'Do I not have any say in this, Sam?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Sure you do, you can groan and moan as he's sparking you.'

**BBM** : 'I am not going to spark with him!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Methinks the robot doth protest too much'

**BBM** : 'Did you memorize another book with that over-fried brain of yours?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Yes.'

**BBM** : ‘Figures... If you start quoting from that sex manual again I /will/ take away your dog and make you Wheelie's twin's target.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Don't. Mojo is having lots of fun with his new toy.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Plus, I'm just giving you ideas on how to make your sparking with Optimus pleasurable.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'And don’t forget safer-sparking'

**Ladiesman217** : 'It is important to take good care of your spark chamber.'

**BBM** : 'I am capable of creating pleasure on my own.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Prove it.'

**BBM** : 'Prove it?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'spark with Optimus and I'll ask him if it was circuit-blowing afterwards.'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'Do I not get any say in this matter?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Ignore him'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'I doubt it would be.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Never know until you try. I can give pointers, Ratchet gave me a guide!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'It has pop-up pictures and coloring areas'

**Ladiesman217** : 'It's called "Guide to the Ultimate Sparking: A Giant Robot's handbook on Sex." It's really interesting.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'A hands-on approach to Sparking'

**BBM** : 'Pop-up pictures? Of whom?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Ironhide and Ratchet going at it.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'and old pictures of Stars Cream'

**Ladiesman217** : 'titled 'how to pass the lonely hours'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Think of your favorite Prime and/or Lord High Protector and touch your spark--'

**BBM** : 'Stop!' ThePrimeSpecimen: ‘Stop.’

**Ladiesman217** : 'I thought it would help with the sexual frustration. Of course, just sparking each other would work too... I might stop then.'

**BBM** : 'If you do not stop this instance I will come and introduce you to my claws'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You're just anxious to see Optimus again'

**BBM** : ‘No I’m not!’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘You’re just embarrassed. Here’s another pointer : “There are several wires that when pinched are very pleasurable. They are located in the groin--”’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘Samuel James Witwicky, if you do not stop I will not allow Bumblebee to spark with you.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘We are already bonded, you can’t do anything.’

**BBM** : ‘You sparked with that overgrown insect?’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Yep, I have experience. I can tell you both what to do with or without this guide.’

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘I do not wish for them to know our secrets, Sam.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Okay’

**BBM** : ‘That’s it? That’s all it took for you to stop?!’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘No, I just won’t tell you Bee’s pleasure spots, I still have the guide. Hey Optimus, you don’t have a spark mate, so you haven’t gotten your spark on either?’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘I have not initiated a sparking.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Can’t you see it’s destiny?…Hey, that rhymed! Anyways, you’re both innocent in this matter, you both could afford to get rid of that sexual frustration, and opposites attract! All four bases covered!’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘You only gave three reasons.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘When you experience the pleasure, then the addicted-to-spark base will be covered.’

**BBM** : ‘You shouldn’t have opened your aft-kissing mouth, Prime.’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘I killed your master, I can kill you.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Master? So you’re into bondage? I’m sure I can get some cables from the old Sector 7 headquarters!’

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘Sam, we have those cables in the garage.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Oh yeah!;

**Ladiesman217** : ‘…’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘I’m gonna go to the garage. I’ll be back later!’

LADIESMAN217 HAS GONE OFFLINE

Sam was definitely looking forward to his trip to the garage as he grabbed a pillow and a blanket to ward off the cold for when he slept in there after sparking with his Bee.

**BBM** : ‘He’s offlined? Yes!’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘No, he has merely left his computer.’

**BBM** : ‘Computer?’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘That is what you are using to IM Sam, correct? Or are you using your own system?’

**BBM** : ‘No, I’m using Soundwave.’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘…’

**BBM** : ‘No more distracting! What is the reason behind your username?!’

THEPRIMESPECIMEN HAS GONE OFFLINE

**BBM** : ‘You slagging Prime!’

BBM HAS GONE OFFLINE


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter of my repost from fanfiction.net story from 2009. This was written with co-creator Marmee Noir when we were still in contact with each other.

**Disclaimer: Transformers does not belong to us.**

**Harassment**

**BBM** : 'I should rip out your intestines, fleshbag. I have stalkers because of you.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Me?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You have a strange fascination with my body'

**BBM** : 'I am merely fascinated with all of the ways to destroy it'

**Ladiesman217** : 'And why do you complain about stalkers? Someone is finally interested in you!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Or is it that none of them is Optimus?'

**BBM** : 'It's that weapon-bearing tincan that follows Prime. He says he's making sure I'm good enough for his leader’

**BBM** : 'I do not want Optimus!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Still in Egypt I see'

**BBM** : 'Yes'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You must really like that river'

**BBM** : 'Do NOT make me mad boy, I have already had to break up a betting pool on who would spark me...'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Must be lousy stakes’

**Ladiesman217** : 'Everyone knows it's going to be Optimus.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'What's there to bet on?'

**BBM** : 'They were betting on how it would happen'

**Ladiesman217** : 'How it /will/ happen, you mean. Why did you say they were betting on who it would be?'

**BBM** : ‘I am not going to acknowledge that my own subordinates are against me.’

**Ladiesman217** : 'Now that's a different matter. Can I still join in the bets?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'I could use the money for college'

**BBM** : 'Why do you insist on going to that education facility when I can easily get you there?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You can easily get me here, but I'm just bait.'

**BBM** : 'Bait?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'For you and Optimus to meet again and start sparking.'

**BBM** : 'I will NOT spark with that glitchhead of a Prime'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You're just enjoying that river. So, can I join in on the bets?'

**AntennaBot** : 'There was another pool established. How much would you like to bet?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'This exclusive sex guide and Wheelie's twin'

**AntennaBot** : 'Currency is required'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Where did you guys get money from?'

**AntennaBot** : 'The car magazines and calendars sell very well'

**BBM** : 'Sold a few rogue decepticons as well. They wanted to get paid. Soundwave, stop talking with him!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Car magazines? Like Playboy for Cybertonians?'

**AntennaBot** : 'Yes, the rogue Decepticons were the playtoys.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Can I have one?'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Why do you want a Decepticon, Sam?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'No Bee. I meant the ma... ga... zine...'

**Ladiesman217** : *grins*

**Ladiesman217** : 'On the other hand. Please do send us on of these Decepticons.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Sam?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Remember that role play we were talking about?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Plus, don't forget the magazine. I want one so I can show Optimus pics of Megatron. Your poses better be sexy, Megs.'

**BBM** : 'Did you just call me "Megs"?'

**BBM** : 'Do not give me any of those abominable nicknames'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Well, you were the one insisting that Optimus wouldn't be submissive, so I made you the sub instead'

**BBM** : 'I will NOT submit to Optimus. If anything were to happen, he would be the one on the bottom.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'You have thought this out! Now, do you have explanatory diagrams or shall I draw some for you?'

**BBM** : 'I do not need a /human/ to tell me how to spark.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Then why haven't you gotten your freak on with Optimus yet?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Maybe you're just shy.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Does the big bad Autobot intimidate you?'

**AntennaBot** : 'I already provided him with appropriate diagrams.'

**AntennaBot** : 'His processor is doing overtime lately constructing possible scenarios'

**Ladiesman217** : 'I think that this is the beginning of a beautiful conspiracy, Soundwave'

**BBM** : 'Why are you still participating in this conversation, Soundwave? I told you to leave'

**AntennaBot** : 'You are transmitting through me. I cannot go anywhere.'

**AntennaBot** : 'Plus, if I learn the outcome first I can change my bet in time'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'I have obtained sufficient cash for you, Sam.'

**SexyCar1** : 'Someone talkin' bout bets?'

**SexyCar2** : 'What you talking about? Shut it Mudflap, you're too ugly to be here’

**Ladiesman217** : 'You are the best Bee. I'm gonna use that new wax on you later.'

**SexyCar1** : 'I'm yer twin, dumbass'

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘J’

**SexyCar2** : 'But I got all the beautiful parts'

**BBM** : 'They are insisting on betting on how I will spark Optimus.'

**SexyCar1** : ' Yous must be looking at a picture of me instead of a mirror, bro. Oooh, I heard of that. Talking about getting your spark on with Optimus!'

**SexyCar1** : ‘Don’t we have a betting pool of our own, Skids?’

**SexyCar2** : ‘I do believe we do’

**SexyCar1** : 'Need some pointers, Big Bad Megatron? You put the dick in the pu--'

**Sexycar2** : 'Not those parts, Cybertronian parts, stupid.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'And Megatron and Optimus are both male. Wrong manual.'

**SexyCar1** : 'I knew that, I was just testing ya'

**SexyCar2** : 'All you need to do is open yer spark chamber and bow chica wow wow'

**SexyCar1** : 'Get your freak on~'

**Ladiesman217** : 'There are also these very interesting wires...'

**OnlyBee4U** : *purrs*

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'Mudflap, Skids, you are to report to the hangar now.'

**SexyCar1** : 'Yous just want to ruin our fun...'

**AntennaBot** : 'Maybe he wants to give you a spanking'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Megs or the Twins? Maybe he just doesn't want witnesses for Megs' spanking...'

**BBM** : 'If anyone gets spanked it will be Prime'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Oh yeah, forgot you were into the dominatrix/bondage stuff. I have those cords, you know'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'You would not be able to hold me down long enough, Brother.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Sure he can, these cords are strong.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'And resisting will probably only turn him on further'

**AntennaBot** : 'Neither are denying the urge to spank each other.'

**BBM** : 'I am not turned on by Prime!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'I get it. This is all verbal foreplay for you two.'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'No, it is not.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'I see you joined Megs in that river'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'River?'

**Ladiesman217** : 'de-Nile'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : '...'

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : 'I have not been in Egypt lately, Sam'

**BBM** : 'Prime, tell me the meaning behind your username or I will sick Stars Cream on Sam!'

**Ladiesman217** : 'No, not Stars Cream! Send Soundwave, we can plan.’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ’Sam, I do not think it wise to invite Decepticons to your house. Brother, my username is unimportant, just like the meaning behind yours is.’

**Ladiesman217** : ’Soundwave would be fine as long as I hid my mom’s baseball bats. Plus, have you seen our data on him? The way he moves his cords would be /perfect/ for my roleplay with Bee…’

**BBM** : ‘Soundwave is not going anywhere, fleshy, I need him here.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Need to keep those spark diagrams close, don’t you?’

**BBM** : ‘No I don’t!’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Suuuure, whatever you say.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘So Optimus, where /did/ you get your username?’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘Jolt provided me with an appropriate name.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Ah, that explains it.’

**BBM** : ‘No it doesn’t!’

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘Starscream suggested your username, correct? Why did he choose that?’

**BBM** : ‘He has an obsession with me and wanted to kiss aft.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘He has sparkdreams of you dominating him. I will never hack his processors again.’

**BBM** : ‘Don’t remind me.’

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘Jolt has a crush on Optimus and stalks him.’

**BBM** : ‘Doesn’t that overcharged bot have a spark-mate?’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Are you jealous? But yes, he has Sideswipe, who is actually terribly amused at Jolt’s actions. He finds it adorable.’

**BBM** : ‘Autobots are very strange.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘I know you can’t resist the allure of Optimus Prime either.’

**BBM** : ‘Of course I can!’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘So you admit that he has an allure?’

**BBM** : ’No!’

**Ladiesman217** : ’You should not stay in that river too long, you’ll rust.’

**BBM** : ‘I need some energon…’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : ‘I do too, Brother, I do too…’

BBM AND THEPRIMESPECIMEN HAVE GONE OFFLINE.

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Too bad they aren’t close enough to spark when drunk.’

**Ladiesman217** : ’Hey, Soundwave, what are the schemes we can bet on?’

**AntennaBot** : ’Schemes?’

**Ladiesman217** : ’You don’t actually expect Decepticons to play fair, do you?’

**AntennaBot** : ’No, I don’t. You can bet on an already existing scheme or you can create your own.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘There is this one: They will be fighting and all of a sudden gaze into each other’s optics. It will be true love revealed and they’ll start sparking on the battlefield.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Wow, who came up with that?’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Starscream, he’s a closet romantic.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘That doesn’t really surprise me.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Another is from Barricade: They will be fighting and their spark chamber openings will malfunction and result in an accidental sparking. Autobot help requested.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘I’ll make sure to let the Twins know about that one.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Wheelie bets that they are so desperate they will jump each other at the next opportunity.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Desperate to spark or desperate to end my insisting?’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Both.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Barricade has entered another bet: The squishy designated Sam will tie down Optimus with the help of Autobot Bumblebee on the orders of Ratchet, who will insist that not sparking for so long is unhealthy. Megatron will jump at the chance and a sparking will be initiated.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘He called me a squishy?! Not a bad plan though… I’ll have to convince Ratchet of the repercussions of waiting too long to spark…’

**AntennaBot** : 'A Decepticon with the designation Nortagem placed a bet that Megatron will defeat Optimus Prime and make him his sex slave.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'Nortagem?

**AntennaBot** : 'That is strange. I cannot find any Decepticon with that designation in my database.'

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Heh, so what did you bet?’

**AntennaBot** : ‘…’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Soundwave?’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Megatron has entered recharge.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘Wow, someone must have spiked his energon.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘…Yes…’

**OnlyBee4u** : ‘Why would you do that?’

**AntennaBot** : ‘My bet.’

**OnlyBee4U** : ‘?’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘?’

**AntennaBot** : ‘Lord Megatron will be so overwhelmed with spark dreams of Prime that he will jump at the next chance to spark his Brother.’

**AntennaBot** : ‘I am hacking his processor now, I must go.’

**Ladiesman217** : ‘You are awesome, Soundwave.’

ANTENNABOT HAS GONE OFFLINE

**Ladiesman217** : 'He forgot to accept my bet.'

**Ladiesman217** : 'That reminds me. Didn't I mention that new wax before?'

**OnlyBee4U** : =) I’ll have it ready when you get down here.

**Ladiesman217** : 'Maybe I should send some of the wax to Megatron so that he can use it on Optimus.'

**OnlyBee4U** : 'Hurry up Sam! Log off and get down here already!'

ONLYBEE4U AND LADIESMAN217 HAVE GONE OFFLINE


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written purely by me. I'm a little rusty with the humor and I'm also having to write it differently, so bear with me as I get back into the flow. Before I was able to just type something and my co-creator and I would just type back and forth whatever popped into our heads in response to each added response. It was chaotic at times, but it worked. That's a little hard to do with just myself. I'm also more prone to plot development and I'm trying to still keep this just random and humorous, so we'll see how this goes. Hope y'all enjoy!

**BBM** : Boy! I demand you return Soundwave to me this instant.

**Ladiesman217** : Megs! You left me all alone for so long, I thought you had decided to bunker down with Optimus and take my advice! I would ask how it was, but then I ran into Optimus and he didn’t say anything. Were you that bad?

**BBM** : It’s been 11 solar cycles, days, or whatever you insects call them, and I tried to kill you at least once during that. And that’s when you stole my subordinate. I need him! Now I’m stuck with Stars Cream.

**Screampuff** : You should be honored I’m letting you use my systems instead of sullying your own firewalls against the pathetic human viruses. Because surely a great leader such as you isn’t /afraid/ of the fleshlings. Their data net is so rudimentary it can’t even handle my designation properly.

**Screampuff** : ...Soundwave, why /does/ it keep changing my username to this? It won’t let me input anything else! Pathetic meat bags and their tiny processors...

**Ladiesman217** : Yeah, well I was so bored that every day felt like a year. And I didn’t steal him, Soundwave came all on his own.

**Ladiesman217** : ...Well, we might’ve helped with that.

**OnlyBee4U** : Multiple times

**Ladiesman217** : Heh. Megsy, you didn’t answer my question! Were you so bad that Optimus just can’t speak about it? Because surely you were so busy sparking that you had to ignore me. There’s no other reason.

**AntennaBot** : Stars Cream, I do not know why you are having problems.

**Screampuff** : Some communications officer you are.

**Screampuff** : How dare you insult Lord Megatron you disgusting meat sack! If anything Prime would be disappointed it stopped. Of course, my lord, if you need practice I graciously volunteer. I’m a much better option than that pathetic Prime.

**Ladiesman217** : Wow, they weren’t kidding when they said you can’t decide between kissing aft and insubordination.

**BBM** : Stars Cream, mute your vocalizer before I do it for you! You don’t need to speak when you type! Also, no.

**OnlyBee4U** : I would listen to him Screamer, he has a thing for throats.

**Ladiesman217** : Kinky.

**Ladiesman217** : Ow, Soundwave, what was that for?

**AntennaBot** : Bee

**Ladiesman217** : Aw, shit, sorry bud I’ll make it up to you later.

**BBM** : Reminders of my glory in battle aside, you are not the sole focus of my attention boy.

**Ladiesman217** : I know, that belongs to Optimus. So if you weren’t away sparking him, why did you run from the fight? I figured it was shame at your poor performance.

**BBM** : If Prime hadn’t gotten in the way you would be dead on my claws, you insolent worm.

**Ladiesman217** : You enjoyed him getting in the way. You grabbed his aft by the handful. I know we spoke about spanking last time but I didn’t think you would do it in the middle of a fight.

**Ladiesman217** : You do like bondage though, so exhibitionism isn’t far behind.

**BBM** : I was not trying to spank Prime! Although, his humiliation /would/ be a sight to see.

**Ladiesman217** : Wow, you’re really opening up about those kinks today. I see you didn’t deny you grabbed his aft. Finally leave that river?

**BBM** : I was not grabbing his aft, he got in the way of me finally shutting you up. How the frag did he trip and still manage to avoid hitting you? That was the biggest disappointment when the dust cleared.

**Ladiesman217** : So the sight and feel of his aft wasn’t a disappointment? Good to know.

**BBM** : Slagging insect!

**Screampuff** : What river?

**OnlyBee4U** : De-Nile

**Screampuff** :… You insects disgust me. That wasn’t even the least bit funny.

**Ladiesman217** : No, it was punny.

**AntennaBot** : Don’t make me hit you again.

**Ladiesman217** : Please don’t, I really don’t need the neighbors wondering why I have giant metal cables crawling through my bedroom window from the garage. It was really hard explaining the giant metal cat.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : What giant metal cat? Were you the one that stole Ravage’s remains?

**Ladiesman217** : Optimus! You must’ve sensed that Megsy came back!

**AntennaBot** : Ravage does not belong to you, so we stole nothing.

**BBM** : You mean to tell me that you infiltrated the Autobot base and did not inform me, Soundwave?

**AntennaBot** : Negative. Bee retrieved Ravage.

**OnlyBee4U** : Yeah, because you were going to kill me otherwise.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Bumblebee, you are still under a silencing order. That includes this.

**BBM** : Heh, that’s not hard for him to follow.

**Ladiesman217** : Harsh, Megs, harsh. And ease up Optimus, it wasn’t that bad. You know you enjoyed it. Ratchet gave me the results.

**BBM** : Enjoyed what? Did the insect make a move on you, Prime? That hero worship your soldiers have for you finally bite you in the aft?

**Ladiesman217** : No, that was your claws. And what, are you jealous?

**BBM** : No!

**Ladiesman217** : So you /are/ still in that river.

**BBM** : You still haven’t answered my questions Prime.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : That is none of your business, Megatron.

**Ladiesman217** : He just doesn’t want to admit it worked.

**BBM** : WHAT FRAGGING WORKED?!

**Screampuff** : Mute your vocalizer, Lord Megatron. There’s no need to speak when you type, remember?

**Screampuff** : aahgvuotjekfbjkewtrfewf

**Screampuff** : ow…

**Ladiesman217** : Lol. Relax, Megs. It was just Bee following Optimus for a day playing a soundbite of you moaning through a self-overload on repeat.

**BBM** :…What?

**Screampuff** :…wait, you hacked my files?!

**AntennaBot** : That was me. Your security is rather weak.

**Screampuff** :…no, no, My Lord. You need me to transmit through. Don’t you? Aaahhhbhguhjhuhnj!!!1

**BBM** : Pathetic seeker… Soundwave, when you return there will be words. I expect you to report back in two days.

**AntennaBot** : Understood. That will be sufficient time.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Sufficient time for what? Why did you have Bee retrieve Ravage’s remains? And Samuel, your disregard for my orders to not invite Decepticons into your home led to this mess.

**Ladiesman217** : Well, I already had Ravage’s spark core somehow active in my pocket after the battle in Egypt, so helping revive her seemed the best option to appease Soundwave.

**OnlyBee4U** : And he was definitely grateful. Who knew such a stoic bot could be so enthusiastic?

**Ladiesman217** : Right?

**ThePrimeSpecimen** :…

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : …We really need to start checking your pockets after battles.

**OnlyBee4U** : That’s what I said!

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Bumblebee. Quiet.

**BBM** : Wow, insect, you must’ve really been persistent to have him this annoyed. Prime usually gives in after the first solar-cycle. Did the sound of my glorious vocals fluster you that much, Prime?

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Fishing for compliments is beneath you, brother.

**BBM** : Ah, but that implies there are compliments to be had, does it not? Alas, although it pains me to admit it, you are right. I do not need to sound like a certain sniveling sycophant.

**Screampuff** : I merely make sure all options are available to me, like I deserve.

**MidasTouch** : Sam, did you say you revived Ravage?

**Ladiesman217** : Ratchet! Yeah, turns out Allspark stuff never left. It’s been a very busy decade.

**BBM** : It was 11 solar cycles!

**Ladiesman217** : That’s 10 days too long! I was bored!

**Ladiesman217** : What’s up with your username?

**MidasTouch** :…Ironhide suggested it. He said something about my servos being the touch of a god or some ridiculous blather like that. He submitted the username before I could stop him. So I submitted his.

**MidasTouch** : So if you see TheToothFairy come online, that’s him.

**Screampuff** : Touch of a god, eh? I doubt that, no grounder is better than a seeker at interfacing or sparking. /Some/ have been graciously given the offer of an experience but they’re too stubborn and deny their need for my glory.

**MidasTouch** : As CMO I know the pleasure sensor locations of most frame-types, seekers included, and rather dexterous servos. A necessity for delicate repairs.

**Screampuff** : Really? Maybe not all Autobots are worthless.

**Ladiesman217** : Oh god, please stop flirting. What would Ironhide say?

**Screampuff** : That rust-bucket has had a fetish for seekers for vorns, so he wouldn’t complain.

**OnlyBee4U** : Primus, I didn’t need to know this.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Have we all forgotten we’re at war?

**BBM** : Blame your squishy, he started this.

**Ladiesman217** : Technically, you started this.

**MidasTouch** : Speaking of fraternization. Sam, have you been taking precautions to not accidentally bond with Soundwave? If you have more Allspark abilities the possibility of multiple sparkbonds exists. Just interfacing and not sparking, correct?

**Ladiesman217** : Uh, sure?

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Samuel, please do not tell me you and Bumblebee are now sparkbound to Soundwave.

**AntennaBot** : No bond has been finalized, Prime. I do know how to interface without sparkplay. My systems are optimized for it.

**OnlyBee4U** : Yeah they are

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Bumblebee!… I give up.

**BBM** : Submission suits you, Prime.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : In your dreams, Megatron.

**Ladiesman217** : Oh, I have no doubt about that. Even without a scheme.

**Ladiesman217** : I never got to ask you Optimus, how did it feel to have Megsy’s servos all over your aft? You practically fell over yourself in pleasure when it happened.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : I was tripped by something.

**AntennaBot** : I wonder what…

**BBM** : I’m starting to have my suspicions.

**Ladiesman217** : You didn’t answer my question. I’m pretty sure I saw some wires get caressed, so it had to have been enjoyable.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : The only results of that interaction were some scratches on my paint job and a kinked wire.

**MidasTouch** : A kink that caused you to moan with every step until you were close to overload.

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Ratchet!

**BBM** : Heh, too afraid to admit I got you heated, Prime?

**Ladiesman217** : So you did grope those sensors intentionally! Did you read the manual I sent? You /were/ looking particularly shiny in that battle, so I know you got the wax that I sent with it. Wanted to look all nice and pretty for Optimus, huh?

**BBM** : I did not! The wax was just superior compared to our reserves, so I used it. The Autobots weren’t supposed to show.

**Ladiesman217** : You tried to kill me, you knew they would show. You even drew it out until they did.

**BBM** : Not at all.

**Ladiesman217** : De-Nile. You’re gonna rust.

**BBM** : Slagging fleshling, I’m not even in Egypt anymore!

**Ladiesman217** : Oh? So you moved closer to the Autobots? I understand, easier access for interfacing with a certain Prime.

**AllThatJazz** : What the frag happened these past three years?

**AntennaBot** :…What?

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : Jazz?!

**BBM** : Didn’t I tear him in two?

**Screampuff** : Weren’t there too any Autobots already?

**MidasTouch** : How is this possible? Soundwave, is it…?

**AntennaBot** :…

**AntennaBot** : The source code confirms it. Sam?

**Ladiesman217** : Oh, so that /did/ work! Guess you saw my note and logged on, eh?

**OnlyBee4U** : Sam, what did you do?

**Ladiesman217** : Well, when you were hounding Optimus with that soundbite I was bored and looked around where we got Ravage and came across Jazz in a side room. Didn’t think it worked, but I guess it took longer cause he’s been offline longer.

**BBM** : It was only 11 solar cycles, that’s barely any time. Just what all has he done in his boredom?

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : You’d be surprised at the tenacity of this race to get as much done in as little time as possible. Primus, Sam, while grateful some notice would’ve been nice.

**Ladiesman217** : You all ignored me for a decade.

**AllThatJazz** : My chronometer says it’s only been almost 3 years since my death though.

**MidasTouch** : Ignore Sam, the Allspark affected his sense of reasoning.

**Ladiesman217** : Hey!

**AllThatJazz** : …Okay? Oh, hey Sounders!

**AntennaBot** : Hello, Jazz.

**AllThatJazz** : So, is the war over or something?

**BBM** : Hardly.

**Ladiesman217** : It will be once Megs and Optimus finally get their spark on and end their sexual frustration.

**BBM** : I am not going to initiate a sparking with that slagging Prime! Stars Cream, we need to plan. Two days, Soundwave!

**Ladiesman217** : They better be plans on how to get Optimus to initiate if you won’t! Of course, then you’re accepting that submissive role again.

**BBM** : I will not be the submissive one!

BBM AND SCREAMPUFF HAVE GONE OFFLINE

**Ladiesman217** : That was practically a confession, right? What do you say, Optimus? Want to pull one over on Megs and take that dominant role by initiating a sparking yourself?

**ThePrimeSpecimen** : I’m not yet that desperate to silence you.

**OnlyBee4U** : The key word there is ‘yet’

**ThePrimeSpecimen** :… Jazz, stay where you are. Ratchet and I will come to help you out.

THEPRIMESPECIMEN AND MIDASTOUCH HAVE GONE OFFLINE

**AllThatJazz** : Oh, I already hacked the lock. I guess I’ll wait for them to arrive. How did you get in here before, Sam?

**Ladiesman217** : The vents.

**AllThatJazz** : Ooh, nice. The ones here are a bit too small for me, but that was my main way to travel when sneaking around bases on Cybertron.

**AllThatJazz** : So can someone send me a data packet of all that I missed?

**AntennaBot** : File sent.

**AllThatJazz** : Thanks, Sounders. I’ll have to run a detailed security scan first of course.

**AntennaBot** : To be expected.

**OnlyBee4U** : I sent one as well to detail the Autobot information that Soundwave hasn’t managed to hack.

**AntennaBot** : Yet.

**Ladiesman217** : I’m sensing some history between you two. Ooh, speaking of file transfers… Bee, send Jazz that soundbite so he can help us since you’re still not allowed within 50 feet of Optimus outside of battle.

**OnlyBee4U** : Just sent it.

**AllThatJazz** : What?

**AllThatJazz** : …

**AllThatJazz** : Was that what I think it was?

**Ladiesman217** : Megs in the throes of self-induced pleasure? Yep. And Ratchet managed to record Optimus in his berth after he had to listen to that soundbite on repeat for a day. Let’s just say Soundwave is going to have fun when he returns to Megatron in two days.

**AllThatJazz** : And Soundwave is with you right now?

**Ladiesman217** : Was that in the packet? Yeah, he is.

**AllThatJazz** : Prime and Ratchet are here, but I’m going to come visit before he leaves.

ALLTHATJAZZ HAS GONE OFFLINE

**Ladiesman217** : Soundwave, just what was in that packet to cause that reaction?

**AntennaBot** : Perhaps it was the details of our interfaces these past few days.

**OnlyBee4U** : Why would you include that?!

**AntennaBot** : Jazz is a very attractive mech. And he has great control over magnetic fields.

**Ladiesman217** : Another bond? I saw how you skirted Optimus’s accusation earlier by not saying there were preliminary bonds in place. The fact it happened on accident is not for Ratchet to know. He’ll gloat.

**AntennaBot** : If we all agree, yes.

**Ladiesman217** : I don’t know, I might need some convincing.

**AntennaBot** : Then get down here.

**OnlyBee4U** : What are you waiting for?

LADIESMAN217, ONLYBEE4U, AND ANTENNABOT HAVE GONE OFFLINE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly debating writing a story titled 'Sam's 10 Days of Boredom' to go along with this. Obviously, those days were not very boring. I like writing Sam as a sarcastic little shit who gets into all kinds of situations without really trying. Story would also include the interactions with Soundwave and how he was 'stolen'. Details of the mentioned fight as well, as that is one of those days of boredom. Let me know if y'all want it or if I should just mention the other stuff in this and not write a whole story.


End file.
